On Finding Balance.

We had a "cold day" today when wind chills were at -25 this morning. That marked the 4th day we've had off from school since school "restarted" on January 8 (I say it that way because we had the 8-10th off for snow/cold days). It was also a big bummer because we were scheduled to have a half-day today for the last day of exams (5th and 6th hour). So, instead the kids got an unexpected 3-day weekend and a random half-day on Monday for their exams. I'm grateful they gave us the half-day, so I can get all my exams graded and entered before we're required to report grades on Tuesday morning.

But the whole situation threw a wrench into my plans. Since the phone call to cancel school came rather late last night, I was a little hazy on exactly what was expected of me this morning. I was pretty sure I heard that buildings would be open for the staff, but after reading my e-mail this morning, I saw that I was mistaken and only the elementary buildings were open. So, my plans to go in and work in my quiet classroom were thrown out the window and I was stuck here at home all day.

I took advantage of the quiet this morning and settled in to finish Sister Carrie-thoughts coming next week. And after that? I putzed around, not sure what to do and avoiding my grading pile. Truth be told, I'm quite sick of grading and need a little break!

So, I settled in to straightening up the never-ending clutter and my bookshelves.

In the months I was away from blogging, I did read, but it was minimal and rarely something already on my shelves. I think I was pretty anti-reading, to be honest, and when the mood struck, I felt like getting something new-nothing appealed to me that I already owned. The result was that after reading these new books, I would just set them anywhere, rather than putting them on the shelves were they belonged. A good example? Matt and I went on a little vacation in northern Michigan in early July, and I just found that stack of books sitting on the floor in our office (which is still a disaster that I'm going to attack later). In that pile were some good books-The Bell Jar, The Grapes of Wrath, and A Farewell to Arms. I never read the Hemingway, and I don't think I even blogged about the Steinbeck, which I loved.

I think that tells you about the mental state I was in and how I felt about this space. I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again: I began to realize that blogging and my online presence was becoming less important to my sanity.

So what's changed?

I guess you can say that I have "returned" to blogging. I've been reading a little more diligently-returning to taking notes and marking places to discuss in blog posts. I made challenge lists. I revamped the look of my online space, crafted a new identity for myself, and I'm slowly working my way back to other blogs to read and comment. So how does that all connect to my sanity?

I think that anyone who has spoken with me, written to me, or read my words knows that I am a very passionate and dedicated teacher. I love my job. For me, I gain satisfaction from watching my students succeed and prosper. I love being in my classroom, interacting with teenagers and watching them discover literature and history in the way I did when I was their age. Teaching truly fulfills me.

For awhile, the blog filled that whole, then I got that fulfillment from school. But in diving into school with 100% of my being, I burned out personally. After realizing that I was sick last year and coming to terms with the extent of my diagnosis and what it means for me now and in the future, I had to take a break.

It took until the fall to realize that I needed to rebalance my life. I'm a person who will dive into something with everything I've got...and I will pour myself into it until I burn out. I'm pretty sure that's what happened with blogging. And I'm pretty sure my attention and 100% devotion to school led to some of the massive Lupus flares I had last year (I feel like I need to explain what I mean by my crazy addiction to school-grading for hours and hours after school, editing students papers before they turned them in, creating everything from scratch even though I had other resources, checking my school e-mail constantly when at home on weekends in case a student asked a question-all great things, but too much).

I had a chat with my doctor in early summer, after a nasty flare leveled out and when we made the determination to put me on Humira injections in addition to some of my other medication, about taking care of myself. In this conversation, we talked about my interests, my passions, and my work. He stressed to me then that I had to find a balance between my own life and my life at school. I had the summer to think it over, to try to find that balance and come to terms with what changes I needed to make to find myself in a happy place.

And for some reason, when school started, I found myself in a happier state. I was prepared for my classes and while certainly swamped with grading at times, I felt much lighter than I did the year before. I kept bracing myself for a nasty Lupus flare and it never came (I'm currently closing in on 8 months without a severe flare. I've had bad days, of course, but never the weeks of pain and sickness that I had before). I'm sure a great deal of that had to do with my medication finally being figured out, but I think a larger part of it came down to being okay mentally. To setting time aside for myself-to watch TV, crochet, be with my husband, go out with friends, read a book, write a poem, etc.

And guess what....I'm a far better teacher this year than I was when I was throwing my entire being into work. My students' test scores are way higher than they were last year (yes, some revised tests, but I'm also teaching much more effectively), I'm having more fun at work, and I'm enjoying the fact that I can be okay with leaving work at work a couple times a week. I'm sure that many other people had this figured out a LONG time ago-it just took me awhile.

So today, when I was shelving books and spending all this time thinking to myself about all of this, I thought that perhaps that same thing applied here-to blogging. I think I've found a balance here as well. Of course, it's hard to get back into the swing of things, but I'm happy with where I am, where I'm going, and the decisions I've made. Like teaching last year, I threw myself into blogging and reading only the classics. And I burned out, HARD. Now that I have rebalanced myself, I feel much better about making this into a space that truly reflects me, my personality, and the dusty shelves that are home to so many stories I have yet to read.

I finally feel excited about blogging again-in the same way I did way back in 2009 when I had this crazy idea in the first place. It's a good feeling.

A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway.

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.” 

I'll be honest and say I don't know a great deal about Hemingway, and I probably should. I definitely know the basics and have read a couple of novels (The Sun Also Rises and A Farewell to Arms) as well as a few short stories (I actually use "A Soldier's Home" in my American lit class). He's one of those figures in American literature I tell myself to read more of, but never seem to find the time. Then I had my experience with The Paris Wife over my break (post here) and found myself quite fascinated with Hemingway and his work.

This title had been sitting my shelf for quite some time, so I knew it would become a part of my TBR Challenge for this year, as well as a jumping off point for some further exploration of his work. And, so enthused by my recent reading of The Paris Wife, this become book #2 that I finished in 2014.

It was fabulous.

From the very first chapter, I was taken in by Hemingway's writing and transported back to his years spent in Paris. Through his recollections, I also got to meet some great literary figures-Stein, Pound, Ford, and Fitzgerald (all of which I should also explore at some later date). His gossipy chapters about their lives and his writing and his experiences on the streets were vivid and simple and complex all wrapped up in succinct observations. It was beautiful.

His observations of his fellow writers was both entertaining and heart-breaking. In particular, his chapters on Fitzgerald and his decline broke my heart, perhaps because I just finished teaching The Great Gatsby to my sophomores. Through Hemingway's eyes, I had to see Fitzgerald as weak and unsure...and a captive to his alcohol. But I also got to see him through a friend's eye-not just as someone I've admired from years away and based solely on his writing. I found that to be a bit of a profound experience. I mean, I love writers and their products and while I love to research their lives and experiences, I don't always get to see them in such a raw way. Hemingway's observations made that come to life.

However, my favorite parts where Hemingway's musings on his craft. His words about making stories appear, and living through them, was also raw and emotional. He took his writing seriously and set rules for drinking around his writing (interesting, right?). He also mentioned the devastation of losing his early work when his first wife, Hadley, was bringing it to him (it was stolen on her train). The idea of losing my own work, as unimportant as it is, breaks my heart, so I can imagine that he truly did feel lost when it was gone. Like myself currently, Hemingway had a real connection to his words. It was beautiful to see that passion and drive come through even as his reflection.

In all, I found this memoir to be inspiring. To know that he often felt discouraged and hopeless, that he and Hadley lived in tiny apartments cramped with books and paper...it was a bit soothing to tell the truth. It was all they really needed to be happy.

I'm curious to read more about hie life and more of his work. And by reading something that came out after his death. I think I can read his work with a new perspective-see his mind working away at crafting enough work each day. I'm so tempted to craft another author study for him, but I know I should finish those I've already undertaken.

And if you haven't read this and are looking for a way to introduce yourself to Hemingway, why not start here. It's a great recollection of his days in Paris before truly "making it" as a writer.

“There is never any ending to Paris and the memory of each person who has lived in it differs from that of any other. We always returned to it no matter who we were or how it was changed or with what difficulties, or ease, it could be reached. Paris was always worth it and you received return for whatever you brought to it. But this is how Paris was in the early days when we were very poor and very happy.”

Top Ten Tuesday: Top Ten Things on my Reading Wishlist.

Hi everyone!

It's Top Ten Tuesday, hosted by the lovely folks over at The Broke and the Bookish. This week's topic is about the Top Ten Things on our Reading Wishlist-those characters, settings, themes, trends, etc that we want more of in our reading!

I had a lot of fun thinking about this list. Please let me know what things would be on your reading wishlist!

1. Strong Heroines: I like a girl with sass and attitude. So give me more of them.
2. Well-crafted worlds: I started off my year by reading A Game of Thrones, which, let me tell you, takes place in a very well-crafted world. I love being able to disappear into another world like that!
3. Revenge: I LOVE revenge themes! Maybe a reread of The Count of Monte Cristo is in order!
4. Victorians: I love the Victorian writers, and it has been some time since I've read one!
5. Cats who aren't evil: Why are cats always the bad guys? The bad omens?
6. Redemption: This is another one of those themes that I've been yearning for....
7. Inventive Fantasy: I see a lot of the same things in fantasy literature....I'm looking for something new!
8. Better Book Covers: Granted, not a writer driven category, but I really love a book cover and nothing has caught my eye recently!
9. A non-orphaned hero: I know orphans make things easier for writers, but for once, can we have a hero with both parents? Just once?
10. No more dystopia: I've read too many of them. I want something else!

Now that you've seen my list, do you have any recommendations for me?

"I Have Been"

This is a little meme that I do from time to time. I don't remember where I initially saw it, but it's a fun little questionnaire that I see making rounds on the blogs from time to time. And since I am procrastinating doing a little more grading tonight, I figured I might as well. :)

I have been:

{writing}

 I just finished grading a set of essays, so I've been writing lots and lots of comments about writing. I actually had my kids complete their entire essay in Google Docs, so I also typed their rubrics. I think it took a little longer than it does for me to write out comments, but it was easier on my hands (typing hurts a little less than writing when I'm having a flare). I don't know how it'll go over with the kids, but we'll see.

{reading}

I've been reading Sister Carrie over the last few days and I really want to dive back into it tonight....but to be honest, I'm trying to hold off to get my grading done. I know that as soon as I pick up the novel I'm going to get sucked in.

 

{listening}

I've had Pandora on while grading. I like the background noise and my current station of choice is 90s Pop Radio. It's a good trip down memory lane!

 

{watching} 

We have shows that we like to watch in bed and go through spurts of different shows and seasons. We just finished watching Bob's Burgers last week, so now we're on to That 70s Show. I love mindless entertainment before bed! Besides nighttime TV, I've been avoiding TV to grade and read. :)

 

{looking}

...right now I'm looking at my crate of papers to grade. And a mess in my kitchen. The kitchen will definitely get cleaned up before bed. There is also a very sleepy kitten next to me. He's pretty cute.

 

{learning}

My teaching certification expires in June and I have a few classes to take online to qualify for renewal. During my earlier procrastination, I took a peek at one of the ones I signed up for related to social studies. There's some crazy awesome documents on there, so I'm excited to dive into it after this semester ends.

  

{feeling} 

A bit stressed.  I have a lot of grading left to do. I'm feeling overwhelmed with papers and not sure where to start to get it all done. While we have half days 3 days this week (our exam days), and the exam time to get things done....I really didn't want to spend ALL that time grading. I have prepping to do! It'll all get done.....at some point.

 

{anticipating}

I'm going to California in April (my Spring Break) to visit my sister at Disneyland! She has an internship with them for the next 7 months, so it'll be a fun time! I've never been to that part of Cali. The only other time I've been was to San Francisco.

 

{wishing}

For my papers to grade themselves, for all my kids to pass and do well on their exams this week, and that I remain flare free for the next couple of weeks.

 

{loving} 

My students. Bless their little hearts...their e-mails and tweets as they prepare for exams are adorable. I love my job.

Weekly Wrap-up for January 19, 2014: Exam Week.

This past week was a long one. Coming off of 2 1/2 weeks off from school (because of our snow days) and a measly 2-day week the week before, 5 days of school was trying for teachers and students alike. But, we managed to push through and now I am trying to avoid a very big pile of grading (I'm not exaggerating, I have a plastic crate FULL of things to grade). And while this coming week is exam week and I know I can use that time to grade, I really need that time to prep and plan for the second semester. As soon as I publish this post, I'm heading over to the library to get some work done. I'm so much more productive when I'm there!

Besides the fact that it was a very long week, I did get a lot accomplished. I spent a good deal of time yesterday grocery shopping and cooking. I've been meaning to make some things to stick in the freezer for those days when I'm not feeling good and don't feel like cooking (more often than not, I pick up food on my way home on those days...which means I'm not eating particularly well...). So, I bought doubles of a few things and managed to double up on some casseroles to shove in our very small freezer. I also bought a rotisserie chicken, which I shredded and turned into a big batch of chicken salad for lunches this week. I often just bring a salad and yogurt for lunch, but I'm getting pretty tired of that and thought that some chicken salad with grapes and walnuts would be a nice change!

And this morning I made up a big batch of broccoli-cheddar soup, so we have that for this week as well. In all, I feel quite accomplished and I'm happy we have some food put away. It's so easy to fall back to what is easy (and crappy) to eat, so now we have some good options waiting for us. It's a good preventative measure, especially if and when my Lupus flares up again.

Besides the cooking extravaganza yesterday, I spent some time organizing a few of our cupboards, including the dreaded tupperware cupboard. I don't know about you, but it always turns into a disaster with lids all over the place and containers shoved every which way. I tossed some that didn't have their lid (or vice versa) and reorganized so we can actually find what we're looking for.

My next big thing to organize is my book closet. I have about 15 boxes of books in my closet, and while I culled them a couple of years ago, I think I need to dig back in and re-cull. I know for a fact that there are a bunch of textbooks in there that I've had since college. I need to just sell them to amazon and get what I can for them to get some more space for storage. I'm pretty content with my collection now. There are quite a few things I wish could be on shelves, but we don't have the room for any more bookshelves. And I know there are many things I will never read or don't want to look at again-why am I holding on to them? I'm hoping to do this in a few more weeks when we have a long weekend.

In reading news, I decided to start Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser. I adored An American Tragedy when I read it a few years ago, and this title has just been sitting on my shelf. I really didn't want to start another challenge book so soon, so after looking around, this title jumped out at me. As of this morning, I'm on page 314, so you can tell that its going well and that I REALLY like it. I can't wait to see where the story goes, and I can't wait to tell you all about it.

After I finish it, I'm not sure what I'm going to read next. I'm thinking of reading a Thomas Hardy (because for some reason, Sister Carrie makes me want to read him?), so I might grab one of those off my shelf-maybe Tess or Under the Greenwood Tree. I also feel a pull to Vanity Fair, so we'll see what my mood says once I finish Sister Carrie. Any other recs for me?

Anyway, I best be heading to the library before all the good spots are taken. ;) Have a fabulous reading week!