It shouldn't come as news to anyone that 2012 was a year of very high highs, and very low lows. It is a year, that, for the most part, I want to put behind me as quickly as possible. I don't want to think about a lot of the things that happened this year, but a very big part of me feels like one last little look won't hurt me too much...and that I need to put it all into perspective in some way.
This post...as I begin writing, is one that I am nervous about. Part of that anxiety is due to the fact that I don't feel entirely comfortable writing here any longer. A lot of that has to do with my own absence. I'm going to explain that in a bit. However, another part is that my life already feels very exposed. I never thought I would have an audience...and I don't know if I like it. I understand that having an audience is the very nature of blogging, but I'm not sure if I'm entirely comfortable with being personal any more on the blog. My life has changed, and with that, my comfort level of putting it out there.
However, I have not said anything on here that I wouldn't say in person, so I am not embarrassed. Just wary of my online identity and who may be reading. In many ways, landing a full-time teaching job brought me happiness and freedom, but it has also made me unsure of myself outside the classroom. While I think I exude a kind of confidence when I am teaching, I am nervous outside my classroom doors. I am wary of those around me and their purpose. And their impressions of me as a very young, new teacher. I am definitely introverted in that environment, and that has started to influence the other aspects of my life.
In any case, not everything about my recent absence from the online world has to do with those feelings. A very large part of it has to do with my health and the indecision on whether it was wise to share what was going on in with a broader audience. However, in the last few weeks I have shared the news with people who should know it-my family, a couple close friends, my boss, and a few close teacher friends. I wasn't sure if I would ever share it here, mostly because it didn't feel right, but I feel like I need to-that I need to get it out and explain why I haven't been here. And I don't think I necessairily owe an explanation to you...but perhaps to myself.
When school began in August, I was not feeling good. I actually had to go home on the second day of school because I was so sick. This came on top of some weird things that were happening over the summer. I was getting weird body aches (more than I was used to with my arthritis), as well as sores in my throat and mouth. As school progressed, I struggled with breathing and had to rush to urgent care one evening since my oxygen levels were going low. I've been relying on an inhaler ever since to help me through trouble spots. My hair started falling out in clumps, my joints were seizing up-making writing and typing painful, bumps were forming in my eyelids, and I would break out in rashes at random times and in random moments. It was difficult. I figured a lot of it had to do with stress from a new job, but my doctor thought otherwise.
After some other crazy symptoms, my doctor began running tests. After bloodwork, visiting a specialist, and looking for answers, my doctors diagnosed me with Systemic Lupus. Now that I have an answer to all the weird health issues going on, I feel at peace. I can start getting my life under control once more and return to doing the things that once made me happy-like blogging.
I tell you all of this so you can know why I am happy to put 2012 behind me, and to give you a little insight into why I disappeared from the online world. I'm hoping, as the doctors and I begin trying new drugs to keep my symptoms under control, that I can return to blogging like I once did. I'm also hoping I can return to a semi-normal lifestyle-one without inhalers, weeknight trips to the ER for breathing treatments, and one with a good sense of hope and relief.
I have big dreams for 2013, and while many of them are focused on teaching, writing, and reading, my biggest goals are for my health. I want to feel good, and I am going to do whatever I need to so that I do.
I'm also hoping I can reconnect with many of you. My absence has left me with a big whole in my heart. I miss the relationships I have made through blogging, and without that almost daily communication with many of you...I feel lonely.
So, here's to hoping 2013 is much better than 2012, and that we all get what we wish for.