I'm not sure what my intentions are in writing this post. I don't know if I will have a point or a purpose, but I am hoping that I can come to some kind of conclusion for my own sanity.
I am approaching two years into this project. This seems incredibly significant in some way, but I am at a loss as to why. Last year, I was just plain excited to have gotten through a year without any breaks. I was proud of what my blog was and the friendships I was beginning to form. I felt like things were getting better for me professionally and that I was on my way to...something.
But now I am approaching year two and I am asking myself, what have I really accomplished? I go back to that night when I feverishly typed out my plans for what this space would become. I wanted to get over a period of depression that I was in and accomplish something that would matter. And while things have changed in these last almost two years, I still don't feel like I have done anything of value for myself or those around me.
Sure, I have read a great number of books by the great authors. I met and conquered some of my most intimidating writers: Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Dickens, Cooper, and more. I have visited old friends and remembered why I called them friends. I am learning more and more about the worlds these writers lived in, their lives, and what outside circumstances have altered their view of the world and shaped their novels. I think that I have improved both in my writing and my reading abilities. And I feel like I am still missing something, some key that connects all this together and makes meaning.
I wanted to start this to give me a chance to improve myself. When I wrote that first blog post two years ago, I was frustrated with my job search. At the time, I had been done with school for nearly two years. I thought that I would have had a job, that I would be in a classroom. And that didn't happen.
Here I am, nearly two years later, and how much farther have I really come? Not far. I still work at the parks during the summer. And it isn't that I want to work there, it is because I have to work there. I have bills to pay! I still don't have a permanent teaching position. It has been a long and rough road. I have traveled hours for interviews where I thought the job was mine, only to be sorely disappointed hours later. I have subbed and networked and worked my butt off to prove myself to the schools that I have been in.
But I am still in the same place. I have made no forward progress. I haven't gained anything.
I won't even talk to Matt about it anymore. When the conversation comes up about getting a permanent position, I just shut down. After so much rejection, it is hard to continue to hold your head up and say, "That just wasn't the right position for me. I just haven't found the right school." After a while, you just have to think, "What's wrong with me? Why will no one give me a chance?" It is hard, frustrating, and even typing this out brings me to tears.
More than anything, though, is how embarrassed I feel. I am ashamed of the fact that I am not where I want to be. I always told myself in college that I would be the one to get a job right away. I never thought that I would be where I am now. I'm 26 and don't have a permanent job. I make do with what I have.
How much longer can I continue to plug away, never making forward progress? When do I finally say, "enough is enough" and give up? Next year, will I find myself writing the same things?
I am at a loss. I thought, two years into such a project, two years further into my life, I would have some answers. I would know something of value. I would mean something. Instead, I just find myself growing more and more frustrated with what my life has turned into. I lay awake at night and think about the decisions I made when I planned this future. I'm not sure that I regret my choices, but perhaps I could have made better ones. Perhaps I would be happier working a brainless job in an office all day. I could type out reports and that nonsense easily.
But I so desperately want to be inspired, which is why I chose this path. But the longer I continue to go forward with no real direction, the more hopelessly lost I feel. Even attempts at branching out are unsuccessful.
I just feel...lost. I have felt this way for so long that it is starting to feel normal. Of course I discuss this with Matt, but I just need to get it out, acknowledge it in the open, and try to move forward. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to get upset thinking about the fact my life has been at a standstill for so long. I want to more forward, but I am stuck.
Again, I don't know if I have a point, or even know why I am posting this here. Perhaps I will regret it later, but right now, this is what I need.