It isn't a surprise to anyone when I say that my home here on the internet has been neglected for a very long time. It also isn't a surprise to me to log in and see that my page views are dwindling to almost nothing, my rare posts garner only a couple of comments, and that my twitter presence has been almost zero. All of that seems rather obvious when I haven't consistently talked about books (or anything for that matter), in nearly a year.
I don't think I imagined that this place would become so blank during the school year. I underestimated the amount of work I need to do to prep, plan, and teach three new classes. I didn't take into account that I would be diagnosed with Lupus and would begin a lifelong war against crazy symptoms, weird side-effects, and my doctor (who I have since forgiven). I also didn't count on a few of my closest blogging friends disappearing from the book blogging world entirely (namely Amanda and Jillian).
In many ways, I have begun to seclude myself from my online presence. I'm so incredibly frustrated by the events of my everyday life, namely the Lupus, that trying to maintain a happier online presence is just too much. And balancing doctor's appointments, exhaustion, and a crazy first year of teaching leaves me little time to read. And when I do read, I feel guilty the entire time.
It was only when talking to my doctor last week that I realized how unhappy I have been...because I have stopped doing things for me. The last 6-8 months have been devoted to trying to keep my head above water at school and battling the ins and outs of my diagnosis. It was only when speaking with my doctor (and crying a bit after some bad news), that he suggested that I take more time for myself-that focusing too much on everything else has depleted me. He told me that when school ends, I need to relax, get healthy, and read.
It was what I needed to hear. I was thisclose to deleting my blog a week or so ago. But I'm going to give it one more try. By the end of the summer, if I'm not feeling it, I'll let go.
The simple truth is, I cannot handle one more piece of stress. But if I can rekindle my love and energy for this, I want to. Because I miss it.
In any case, I felt like I should share-to anyone who may still read this space. In only 3 more weeks I'll be done, and a summer of reading, relaxing, and focusing on myself will launch. I hope that some of you will be there.