Friday, May 30, 2014

In the last 3 months...

So, I didn't intend for my month break to last as long, but basically, life happened and I had to step away to deal with a pile of problems that continued to compound. I'm finally starting to resurface and have room to breathe (and I've finally come to term with some of these things) and I miss blogging. I've actually decided that I'm going to shut this blog down. I feel confined and restrained here, bound by what I've done here in the past. I'll be starting over on Wordpress and I will share that information when it happens.

We left off with me taking a break at the beginning of March to take 2 classes 4 days/week to renew my teaching certificate. It was the perfect opportunity to get all my needed hours for renewal, and I really thought it was good timing. It was only a month, my co-teacher was there to help with the AP class stress, and it would all be over in a month. Then, essentially, the shit hit the fan.

My co-teacher was placed on bed-rest almost immediately after I last posted. While we had a long-term sub already picked out, she ended up taking over much earlier than we had planned. We were still plowing through content and it got very overwhelming, very fast. With 8 snow days this year, we lost a lot of valuable class time and I was rearranging things non-stop to guarantee we got through everything in time for the kids' test on May 14. And while my co-teacher's long term sub has been wonderful to work with, a lot of extra work fell on me, which created a lot of unneeded stress, drama, and bouts of crying. There were many days that I was completely miserable-I would go to school early, work all day, stay after until 5 or 6 helping kids and prepping, come home to grade and prep more, go to my class, come home and sob in bed exhausted. It was miserable.

But to make it even better, my husband lost his job in the same time period. It came out of nowhere and has obviously flipped our financial security on its head. We were comfortable with both our salaries, but now it is TIGHT. There have been more than a few scares and freak-outs about finances.

And, in the midst of all that, I had a small falling out with my co-teacher over some drama that was created not by me. It's smoothed over now, but I'm still feeling incredibly insecure about my place at school and with her. I've withdrawn a lot from people I used to talk to, more so to protect my own feelings than anything else.

In many ways, I've felt in limbo that last few months. I have very much been living in a fog of my own making. I had a few weeks where my only concern and passion was for teaching and my kids...because quite frankly, they were all I could count on.

It's bee a rough few months and there are still many changes coming my way. Matt and I decided that now is the time for him to return to school and finish his degree. I'm in the process of applying to go back for my Master's Degree, launching my own small business (more on that in the future), and finishing my novel (that has become a release the last few weeks). I also learned (yesterday) that due to our district expanding class sizes (up to 38 kids) and shifting, I'm bumped out of our history department next year and I'm only teaching English. I used to think that's what I wanted, but it's not. I'm quite frankly, heartbroken over APUSH being taken away from me. In many ways, I'm hurt....even though I know my administration had little control over the situation. It's hard to pour your heart into something and have it snatched away from you.

However, I am gaining more sophomore English-American Lit, as well as a senior composition class. THAT I am excited for! It will be a new challenge, and if you know anything about me, it's this: I love a challenge.

More than anything else, I've learned over the last few months that I do well under pressure. I've also learned to speak my mind when I need to. And that sometimes you just can't trust other people. I've also learned that what really matters to me most are my husband, family, good friends, and students. People who fall outside that realm can let you down. Maybe that's cynical, but with everything I've gone through, that's how I feel.

But in the course of all the chaos, some good things have happened. My SIL is pregnant again and due in October-I'm excited for my 8th niece or nephew to make their debut. :) Matt and I have also been spending more time together, which has been great for our relationship. He's been incredibly supportive of everything I've gone through at work and has picked up a lot of my slack here at home. Also, thanks to my parents' generosity, we got to spend a week out in Los Angeles visiting my sister, Torrie, who is out there working for Disney. I've grown closer to my friend Colleen and I finally feel like I have a close girl friend that lives by. It's been awhile since I've had that kind of friendship. I'm also close to achieving some personal goals and working towards living a healthier lifestyle. During all the chaos, I actually felt pretty good except for a couple of bad days, so my Lupus finally feels under control.

So, that's my life at the moment. I hope you have all been well. I miss the days when blogging was my main focus, but so much has changed in the almost 5 years since I started here. I'm ready for a fresh start.